DAD MASKS PAIN WITH BENEFITS OF LOW CARB DIET

With turgid predictability, family dad, Tim, once rolls a piece of zero-carb Swiss into a zero-carb slice of ham and recites the benefits of not eating the delicious, sweet foods he so desperately desires. He chews the wretched muddle of meat and cheese and capriciously imagines the fat-burning ketosis at work within his aging body, converting, he assumes, cellulose to energy. “I lost 30 pounds last time,” he utters with despondent false cheer. “Look, I can eat all of this I want and still lose weight!” The gloom is palpable as he stares briefly into space, silently and disturbingly losing touch with reality. “I don’t even miss cheesecake,” he lies, as he throws away the bun from a Burger King Triple Cheeseburger. “Best of all,” he continues with melancholy dread, “I never get gas! Gotta enjoy that.” In fact, Tim did lose more than 30 pound on the low-carb diet last summer. Then, around Thanksgiving, he drowned himself in a self-loathing binge of masochistic gluttony, eating portions larger than a family of five would dare endure at a single sitting. He quickly gained all of the weight back by New Years, after which, he grudgingly deigned to rejoin his diet. He perseveres still today, a wretched 15 pounds lighter … eating all the bacon and eggs he can stuff into his dissolute maw. As we ask about the joy he’s missing by avoiding all pasta, breads, and desserts, he forces himself a nervous smile and says, “Ha! I’m not missing anything!” He then leans over the kitchen counter, silently sobbing while he opens a new bag of shredded mozzarella.